Granola days

gender roles

2009-07-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

So the kids had a visit with their bio mom for the first time in a few weeks.

(Side note: she is allowed one visit a week, but she has a couple of steps to take each week for a visit to happen. For several weeks she didn't do it right, and she told me one night on the phone that if she doesn't get her visits the TPR won't go through. Which is true, but no judge will find fault with the county when she repeatedly called the wrong person when being told to call the social worker like usual, etcetera, etcetera. So she hasn't been getting her once a week visits, but it has been her own doing.)

I picked up Junior and K.R. from daycare the day of their visit. In the car, Junior says to me, "putting my dirty clothes in the laundry, cleaning up my room, putting away the dishes, that's not what little boys are supposed to do. That's for moms, and D.S., and K.R, when she gets older."

"Not in my house it's not!" I thundered. It was definitely the voice of my father coming out of my mouth. I calmed down a minute to say my standard, "people have different rules in different houses." I try to say this so the kids don't think I'm condemning the way their mother does things. Then I explained, "And in my house little boys and little girls do the same cleaning chores."

He dropped that like a hot potato. And he doesn't drop anything if he thinks there might be any chance he can get away with it.

I would really like to be a fly on the wall during those visits.

Junior's comments

2009-07-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

So, the other day we were driving past a park and there was a large flock of Canadian geese lying on the grass. I turned to Junior and said, "Look at all the geese!" He looked over, then said, "Why do they always poop so much, Kara?"

*******

"Kara, when my sister came out of mommy's tummy, did she have a diaper on?" Junior asked me.

I told him no.

"You mean, she was NAKED? Ewwwwww!"

Mulberries

2009-07-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

It's mulberry picking time! Mmmmmm.... The kids and I went out to pick them until are fingers (and K.R.'s face) were stained. I started out holding K.R. and a container holding the berries in one arm/hand, and picking with the other hand. And wouldn't you know the little stinker was eating them as fast as I could put them in there.

It was this time last year that I had all three kids for an overnight so D.S. and Junior's last foster parents could go to some family thing. And this is when we made a day of picking mulberries out near the gardens and in the orchard by the prairie. They had never done that before, in fact, they had never climbed a tree before that day either! But they did then, because then they could reach more berries.... We got a whole bunch and then put them on ice cream later that night.

It was a pretty nice day.

Do spiders poop?

2009-07-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

(One of the questions that D.S. asked me the other day.)

Update!

2009-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot that's gone on in the last few months, but maybe things have *finally* (cross fingers now) settled down enough to keep up with this blog again.

[Unfortunately, my camera is broken, so there won't be any pictures for a while.]

Junior moved in January 31st. Most people with average common sense figured out a long time ago that three kids and one adult is crazy. I know, because I heard that a lot. I can't say it really sunk in, but my multi-tasking abilities are gearing towards Olympic level now. :)

K.R. and Junior hated each other at first. K.R. was four months old when they last lived together; she didn't move around and slept a lot. Next thing he knew, she was big enough to grab all your toys and hit you. Which she was doing A LOT. For a few weeks she didn't say any words she knew, just "Mama". Then she started talking again. The words "No!" "Mine" and "Stop!" were quickly acquired and used often. Now they've mellowed out and get along most of the time.

D.S. actually adjusted better than everyone else to the change (including me). But there you go; I didn't see that coming. I never know how things are going to go; I am always surprised.

The adoption process got complicated. A lot. Here's a run-down:

The county went to file for Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) on the mom and the dad of the youngest two kids. But the lawyer doing all the paperwork and filing realized halfway through that there was a conflict of interest, so a new lawyer had to be brought in, familiarized with the case, and then all the paperwork re-done and re-filed. Meanwhile....

At the end of March, a grandmother and great-grandmother stepped forward saying they wanted to adopt the kids. They hadn't seen the kids in over two years; could not pronounce K.R.'s name, and didn't know Junior was a Junior and named after their son/grandson, even though he was almost five years old. But the first priority is to place kids with relatives. And the county kept working on TPR with the parents, while having the great/grandparents establish a relationship with the kids through visits and phone calls. The idea was the kids to get to know the great/grandparents as much as possible while the county did its background checks and home evaluations to make sure the move would be a safe one. I was told that after everything was cleared in two to three months, the kids would be moved a final time to live with them, probably by June.

I was a wreck. The waiting was horrid.

But, three weeks ago, the great/grandparents didn't pass the background checks, and are denied as eligible relatives. Then the TPR papers, which were supposed to be filed in March, were filed three weeks ago also. I am the only person the county is considering as permanent placement for the kids. For two weeks I began to relax, and imagine my life and future with the kids again, and tentatively think of a time when this will all be over. There's been so much back and forth with this whole mess, I was still waiting for another shoe to drop. I didn't know where, but it seemed like there could be another one somewhere.

And there was. The mom got out of jail last week and is in a rehab program again. She squeaked by not getting substantial jail time.

So we'll see how this goes. She can't make one screw-up, or she'll be back in jail for a year. But now it's all going to go to trial, and it's in the legal process. She could convince a jury to let her have another chance. If she got her kids back, this would be her fourth chance to keep them.

So it's just more ups and downs, back and forth.

But I am not as worried about the mom; she is an addict who doesn't think she is. Most addicts can keep it together for six months tops, but she will have to do it a lot longer than that this time. And I don't believe she can, because she doesn't think she has a problem.

D.S.'s dad is trying to get her back, but he has a number of issues that are only half-heartedly being addressed. I don't know how much more time they are going to give him. Another wait and see.

The kids don't know any of this. And they are not going to know any of this until it is all settled.

This is the craziest, most complicated process I could have ever imagined. And it really messes with the kids. They don't understand what is taking so long. I wish there was another way.

not-quite lazy morning

2009-01-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

(D.S. and I are natural night owls, K.R. is the early bird. *Sigh*.)

This morning I woke up and heard K.R. talking and singing in her baby language. D.S. wasn't up, so I thought, 'hmm, since she's happy, maybe I can just stay in bed a little longer and not get up right away....'

Which I did with relish. But after a few minutes, I got up to get K.R. She was in her crib, rolling around, playing with her stuffed animals. Only, when I got closer, did I see what happened. She had taken off her diaper, and peed all over the crib, blanket, her clothes, and stuffed animals, and now she was rolling around and PLAYING in it!

All I could think of after bathing her and throwing everything else in the washer was, "Thank god she has not discovered her poop."

recent events

2009-01-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

Junior has been visiting more in preparation for his move here. Last week when he was here I was also dog-sitting the neighbor's dog. He was terrified of dogs when he was dropped off.

This dog rocks.

A sweet picture Junior took.

D.S., her best friend Clare, and Junior. This is a tricycle K.R. got for Christmas, but she can't reach the pedals yet. It is everybody else's favorite toy. I banned the bell from being rung inside. Waaaaaaaay too annoying.

Junior and K.R. playing in the toddler play structure. Pretty cute, huh?

It's been fun having the brother here more often now. He tries to egg D.S. on sometimes, but really he just wants to join in everything she is doing. D.S. and Junior are both very united in feeling that K.R. is the most annoying baby on the planet. He stayed for 24 hours this weekend, and everything I did had that surreal feeling of adjusting to another little human being to account for. When I first got K.R., I remember it took me two days to figure out how to run to the store and back with her. It took a while to get used to D.S. too. Then the next thing I knew, we had our own rhythm and it wasn't so bad. I'm counting on the same thing with Junior, too.

Saturday afternoon D.S. and Junior were going to play out in the snow. Junior was ready really quickly and waiting by the door, while D.S. leisurely bent over putting on her boots. Junior suddenly announced, "Hey, I'm not hitting D.S. on the butt right now!"

I did everything I could to not laugh, and said encouragingly, "That's really good!"

Oh, but that totally cracked me up. What a stinker.

Building update

2009-01-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

I went through another plumber before I found the plumber of my dreams. I knew we were off to a good start when he assumed that it was ME who was doing the carpentry work. He is also agreeable to installing less than high-end plumbing.

And he's cheap, yet a master plumber. Woo-hoo for me! Maybe I'll be getting this done before Junior moves in....

basement pics

2009-01-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

I've been framing up my basement for a lot longer than I want to admit, but it's almost done.

I always wanted to live somewhere with bookshelves built into the walls (I know, shock! shock!, no one pass out okay?), and now I will!

The hallway from both ends....

And the not-yet-decided-what-kind-of-room-this-is room. Storage? Workshop? Office?

Whatever works.

I still have a plumber and an electrician to work around, and, just to make everything take a leeetle bit longer, I think I am going to ditch my plumber and get a new one. I just had never met a snobby plumber before, but they exist! My toilet wasn't up to par, and he doesn't want to install it. And that was from the list of toilets he wanted me to chose from.

What's up with that?

Updates!!!

2008-12-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Yes!!!

Right now it is for sure on K.R. and Junior, who will be moving in soon.

The process of terminating parental rights (TPR) takes a few months, and won't start until Junior is here and settled. We are working on the details of when he will be transitioned in. But they also don't go for TPR until they know they will win it.

Unfortunately I have to wait until June before I know for sure about D.S. It does look very likely though.

I am sure I will fall in love with their brother too. They are really wonderful sweet kids.

It's such a relief to have some answers. I can't believe I'll get to see K.R. grow up. D.S. can spend more time just being a kid. No yelling, beating, or abandonment. D.S. keeps coming along, and I marvel at her resiliency.

But I won't be telling them about adoption until after Junior has moved in here and is settled. Each of these changes are traumatic to each child, and they regress in behaviors with each new situation (yes, even the baby does). But the adoption will, with any luck, be the last one for many years. And they'll just get to grow into the people they are meant to be.

Missing things

2008-12-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

One day, K.R. looks finds my hat and puts it on. It's cute so I start taking pictures.

Oops, wait, maybe she doesn't have the hang of this yet....

Then next thing you know, zoom!, off she goes...

I was so caught up in taking pictures of this, I didn't realize my hat was going to disappear. I swear she has an invisible, bottomless bag somewhere that she keeps putting things in, then takes them out a few days later to show me it still exists. No one knows where these things go except for K.R., and she's not talking....

Snowy Days

2008-12-15T19:00:00.001-08:00

A little bit of playing with bowls...

Dancing with Troysee and getting kisses from him...

Playing with friends...

And, of course, snow.

It wouldn't be winter in Wisconsin without it.

oh christmas tree

2008-12-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

Actually, I didn't plan on getting a Christmas tree, or even decorating for Christmas for that matter. Then D.S. came along and started talking about how Santa Claus knows where to go even though she isn't with her mom because he came last year to her last foster home, and I knew I was throwing myself into the whole thing. The day after Thanksgiving we went to a local tree farm, selected a beautiful white pine tree (oh how I love those soft needles), and I cut it down while D.S. hauled it all the way to the car. It took a couple of days before I had enough decorations to decorate it. We even had a project of stringing popcorn, which was fun for the first while. Sunday we decorated the tree.

Notice how it's decorated on the top two thirds of the tree, but the bottom is bare. There is a reason for that, and it's a little half pint girl who sometimes drools. Let's just say that I'm lucky I've only lost six-inch gap of popcorn and everything else is still intact. Here's hoping it all makes it to Christmas.

on camera

2008-12-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

These are some random pictures I found that D.S. took on my camera and on my computer.

Clare and D.S. goof around a lot.

The cool girls....

I remember when D.S. took these. It's actually a very good collection of what dinner time is like at our house, especially after K.R. is done eating but we're not.

Happy, clowning...

Crying, self-comforting...

Playing, then happy again!

All in the space of seven minutes!

Then there is Troysee, the neighbor's dog. D.S. is obsessed. There had to be at least 20 pictures of this dog on my camera.

He is a really gentle sweet dog.

D.S. gets to walk him twice a week. She loves it!

Chicago

2008-11-30T09:54:00.001-08:00

My next door neighbors Kathryn, and her 8 year old daughter Clare, headed to Chicago last weekend. (Clare and D.S. became fast friends and are attached at the hip.) We first took a train to Chicago. It was the first time for both Clare and D.S.

And although they were disappointed it wasn't a 'Harry Potter' train with compartments, it was a double decker, so they still managed to have fun.

A Christmas tree in a really nice hotel on Michigan Avenue we wandered into.

Kathryn and I were both excited to have Clare and D.S. stay in a hostel for the first time. We figured between the two of us, we've been in hostels on four continents, and we wanted to impart some of that fun and adventure to the girls. I can't say they were too thrilled with finding out they had to wash their own dishes though. I think the ping pong table made up for it. Now if only I could get D.S. to do this at home. ;)

Our first night there we went up to the Sears tower. You could see lights way out to the horizon, which was amazing. And although you can see lights line the edge of Lake Michigan, it's still not tall enough to see to the other side.

The Shedd Aquarium! Fish, frogs, seahorses!

(And SpongeBob Square Pants in a 4D film!)

Chinatown and goofing off...

Kathryn and I really liked Chinatown. Fresh fortune cookies! But the kids weren't so enamored. We probably should've skipped the grocery store with the freshly butchered meat hanging up all over. But don't worry; we ate there and survived without any food poisoning.

The morning after we returned home, we woke up to this pretty sight out our front door:

Ahhh, home sweet home.

False alarm (or better known as 'Postponement Part II')

2008-11-25T19:27:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well, I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. Ugh. I might know something next Wednesday, at another hearing, but I am not holding my breath this time. I swear.

But I had a wonderful weekend taking D.S. to Chicago for the weekend. We went with my next door neighbor (another single mom), and her 8 year old daughter, Clare. Clare and D.S. became fast friends and are now attached at the hip. It is so sweet. We went to the top of the Sears Tower, the Shedd Aquarium, and Chinatown. We rode a train, took a cab, went on the subway, and rode the elevated train. But if you ask the girls what their favorite part was, they talk excitedly of all the revolving doors and escalators they got to play on.

Maybe we should take them to a mall.

Anyway, I'll put pictures up soon of the trip, and maybe some of my basement as it's coming along.

different gear

2008-11-17T14:28:00.000-08:00

D.S. is very literal. When I told her Kasaiya eats like a horse, she answers, "Oh, yeah, she does! She get her food all over her clothes, her face, and sometimes her hair!" She cracks me up. (grin)

I've had to switch gears the last couple of weeks, and that seems like the way it will be for a couple of more weeks. I decided the best time to finish my basement would be now, so I have started to do that and put K.R. in day care while I get that done. I figure no matter which way the hearing goes this Thursday (!!!!), I want to have this finished for whatever foster kids I have. (I am trying not to jinx myself here). But it is pretty amazing how fast you can get attached, though....

We will see what happens.

New skills

2008-11-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

So, K.R. can now shut doors and turn off lights. (They are the push switches. But she can't reach to turn them on yet. And she can't open the doors yet, either.)

Basically, that means when we go into a room, she turns off the lights and shuts the door. Then it becomes a big game of turning the lights on and off. She laughs hysterically at this game.

Today, after I took the laundry out of the dryer and began folding them in her room, she ran into the laundry room. All I heard was the door shut and the light turn off, then silence. I could almost hear the wheels turning; 'Wait a minute...I'm alone in the dark here and I can't get out!'

It was pretty funny.

Cohousing

2008-10-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

One thing that makes my life so much easier, and I am so grateful for, is living in a cohousing community. We each own our own townhouse, but we have regular potlucks and make decisions together about how we want to manage our shared five acres of land. Right now it's about half natural prairie/rain gardens, half regular grass. Here's a picture of one of the buildings, with three townhouses (each one a different color):

There are eight buildings, two groups of four facing each other with courtyards in the middle. We park our cars along the outer edge of the buildings. There are 30 townhouses, and this one is mine:

Although I have my gripes about living in a community, all-in-all it's worked out well for me. I know everyone who lives in all 30 households, kids and all. Most people who live here tend to want to raise their kids with low levels of media exposure and lots of outdoor- and activity- oriented play. The households who do have a T.V. (and there are quite a few who don't), usually only have one, and as far as I know, only three have cable. Two households have Wii's. No kids get to go over to another's house and watch movies or play video without getting permission from their parents first. Lots of people with pianos, guitars, violins, books, knitting, sewing, carpentry interests, gardening, bikers, kayakers, etcetera.

It has been a really big help to me. D.S. has ready playmates with healthy and positive behaviors to emulate. Quite a few people are vegetarians or light meat eaters, so she may think I eat weird, but she's the odd one out here. We've had impromptu cook outs, camping in the courtyard, group movie nights, and just general fun get-togethers. Parents can ask others to watch their kids, and get frequent breaks. It's been just incredible, as a single parent, to have this community around me. I did not know when I moved in here I lucky I was going to be with the help and support I get.

Anyway, I thought I'd fill everyone in on this aspect of my life which isn't mentioned. It is not a utopia around here (not even close), and I am not perfect at this parenting thing (not by a long shot). But I know I am a lot less stressed out and I have more energy than I would have if I was doing this all on my own.

Damaged pumpkins

2008-10-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

So this is what happens when you decide to leave freshly carved pumpkins inside for a few days, instead of putting them out right away. Just in case you were ever curious.

And this is a little baby who is happy to show off some moves on top of the table. That she climbed up on from the floor. I try not to look.

This past weekend the girls and I met up with their brother and his foster parent at the zoo for a family visit. Every year they do a trick or treat there, with a kid's musician playing and lots of candy. Junior is dressed as Robin, but thinks he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

D.S. is a witch, but her hat kept falling off. It was really windy and cold that day. K.R. is a lady bug. I had trouble getting a picture of the three of them, so this is what I have. I think the polar bears and the penguins looked really happy about the weather. They were the only ones! But the kids got lots of candy, and hot chocolate after they were done with the rounds. Junior was really happy to push K.R. in the stroller. He usually looked where he was going. (smile)

Rain and sleep

2008-10-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

When I picked D.S. up from school today it was sprinkling out. She told me, "That is God's tears. Did you know that?"

"No," I said. "That's really pretty. So what's happening during a bad rainstorm?"

"That's God peeing."

"Okay....," I answered. I tried again. "What's going on when it's snowing?"

"Oh. God's farting." Then she laughed.

Um, yeah. Whatever you say, kid.

********************************

D.S. has a lot of bad dreams. (No wonder there.) A couple of weeks ago she heard one of the neighbor kids say she still sleeps with her mom sometimes. D.S. immediately asked me, "Can I sleep with you?"

I told her no, that it's against the foster care rules.

"But we did it camping," she said.

"I don't think that counts."

She tilts her head, puts a hand on her hip, and gives me a look. "What, are there cameras in here?"

"No, there aren't any cameras in here."

"Well, who's going to know?"

"No. You would have to keep it secret, and there aren't going to be any secrets here," is what I explained to her. She understood that.

Later on I thought through the whole scenario. A girl who sleeps only in her underwear, sleeping with the foster parent and keeping it a secret? I mean, holy shit, how crazy is that?

Oh yeah, I can't even imagine the charges with that one.

By the way, I sit on a chair by her bed reading or knitting until she falls asleep. She still cries out a lot in the middle of the night, but she's not as petrified to go to bed as before.

walking...

2008-10-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

K.R. has discovered and perfected a new trick. She pushes a chair up to a place she can't reach, climbs into the chair, and then, TA-DA! she is at a new spot. I turned around from cooking and found her on top of the table today. I wouldn't be surprised that the next time this happens, she'll be on top of the stove.

On top of that, she is walking walking. Not walk five steps than crawl, or crawl 80% of the time, but walking. I knew it was coming, but man, on top of the climbing thing I am just not ready.

Where's that sweet little baby who couldn't get into anything and slept all the time? It goes so fast....

postponement

2008-10-16T19:05:00.001-07:00

So, like everything else in this process, I found out TODAY that the hearing is postponed for another month. Arrrgh. Just when I thought that I would begin to have a better idea for a direction this was all going in, it changes.

Again.

I really really really should never consider Buddhism.

little snippets

2008-10-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

When I first got K.R., a couple of things flew out of my mouth

that immediately struck me as wrong. And I was so glad she

couldn't understand me. These were things she said when she

was crying and wasn't calming down. One was: "Oh, you poor

neglected thing!" in a mock sincere tone. Nevermind that she

was removed from her home for neglect. The other was: "Oh,

I know, you've had it so hard." Another patronizing comment,

which I realized as it came out my mouth that it was true. What's

harder on a five month old baby than being repeatedly neglected, underfed, then taken away from the only mother and home you've ever known?

Anyway, so I've learned and tried not to say the first thing that pops into my mouth like that. Especially since I have her eight year old sister who understands perfectly well what I say. So what happened yesterday completely surprised me, but D.S. and I never discussed it.

(A little background: the second time the kids came into foster care, which is still going on, was because their mom locked the oldest two out of the apartment all night. D.S. says it was all an accident, and their mom says she 'forgot' her kids were outside. Nevermind that they were screaming and pounding on the door for her to open up. She probably just continued partying and passed out. Anyway, the kids stayed with a neighbor, who called Social Services. D.S. still sides with her mom as the innocent party, but also refuses to talk about it.)

So last night, when we were coming home, D.S. started playing 'ding-dong ditch' after K.R. and I came into the house. I played along, answering the doorbell and saying loudly, "Hmmm, I wonder who was there?" Then I closed the door. This happened a couple of times, then D.S. came into the house after a couple of minutes of hiding from the last 'ding-dong ditch'. I said, (and without thinking), "Oh, there you are. You are so lucky I was just going to lock the door." And she smiled, knowing I was teasing, and said with absolute certainty, "I know you would never lock me out." And I said, "Yeah, you're right." And it was only right then that I realized what she just said and remembered what her mom had done. But D.S. just went on happily with her next game, seeming not to think of the past.

Weird, huh?

oh those facts of life

2008-10-14T09:55:00.001-07:00

I had THAT talk with D.S. the other day.

Yes, that one, the one that can be so hard.

I really wasn't relishing the idea, but I knew she had asked her last foster parent where babies came from, and was basically encouraged to go ask her mother. (Since, at the time, it was definite she would return to live with her soon.) But I know they are going to talk about it in school this year, and she should know. Then again, I kept thinking there is always the possibility she does know, she just enjoys watching adults squirm.

But then we talked. She giggled, she was grossed out, and then she asked a LOT of questions. I had a copy of the 'Our Bodies, Ourselves' book (a good book for any woman to have), and took it out to show her drawings. It helped her understand, with lots of giggling and 'ewwww's. The talk wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Mostly I think because we don't have the emotional connection and history together. She had been asking about tampons and everything else, so she's got a basic understanding of that now. But the thing that floored me was breastfeeding; she had never heard of it and swears she's never seen it. Even though women I know have done it with their babies right in front of her (discretely, but you know what's going on) many, many times, she's never noticed because she's always been busy playing. The concept of the breasts having a function is still very strange to her.

Well, that solves that question for me; her mom never breastfed her kids. I think that is good, considering the harmful things she was ingesting.

oatmeal baths

2008-10-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes K.R. eats like a princess.

And other times, she doesn't:

It was her first oatmeal, exfoliating bath! ;)

So, I clean her up, clean up the chair, the bumbo (purple thing), the table, the floor....

While she is playing with her toys. When I look up, I see this on the window sill:

And there was K.R., happily playing with her blocks, totally nekkid.

Good grief!

Wishes

2008-10-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

One week from today there will be a hearing and I will find out if the mom will lose custody of her kids. It's kind of a weird thing to be anticipating. I don't think she is a total lost cause, but where she is at now, still using and refusing to realize she has a problem, makes it hard to want the kids returned to her anytime soon.

So please, if you have a minute, wish (or pray) for the best outcome for these kids, whatever that is. That they will not grow up with addicts as caregivers, and that they will have a safe environment. Whether if that's with me, another foster parent, or anyone in their family that turns their lives around, that is the life for them I want them to have.

I'd really appreciate that.

Finally!

2008-10-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but I finally figured out how to download photos from my digital camera onto my computer. I know, I know, most people my age had this down years ago. And some people (ahem) have problems opening the things right on their desktop.

So onto some fun posts, not just the serious stuff...

Two weekends ago the three of us went camping....

D.S. had never been before, so she thought we should bring her scooter and her helmet. (And a whole bunch of other electronic things that didn't make it. But what do you expect from a city girl?)

Oh, yeah. And that is K.R.'s butt and legs in the door flap.

K.R. discovering she can't go through the screen door... :)

And what's a fall day without a trip to Pumpkin Land? D.S. roped in the neighbors to come with us too.

So, here's K.R., Rumi, Skye, and D.S. on the hayride.

Did ya really expect me to get all four of them to look in the same direction at the same time?! ?!

Here's K.R. picking out her pumpkin....

And here's D.S. with her pumpkin on the hayride. Doesn't she look cute?

Open letter to my 8 year old foster daughter, part 2

2008-09-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Although I am sorry you have lived such a rough life, that you have seen things I have not, and that there are a lot of sad things you have witnessed, I cannot apologize for the way I expect you to live now.

You will go to school everyday, with clean clothes and all the materials needed to get through the day. I can tell by the way you fight getting up, stall putting on clothes, delay in brushing your teeth, and mention every ache and pain and possible cold symptom that you are hoping I will give in and let you stay home.

You will go to bed at the same time every night. Even if you try and draw out the nighttime routine so you can stay up just a little bit later. If getting pajamas on and brushing your teeth takes so long that there isn't any time for a bedtime story, then there is no bedtime story. But you will be going to bed.

You will eat the food I cook for you. I know you are used to processed junk, lots of sugar, and almost no whole foods. Vegetables with taste seem 'spicy' to you. You want hot dogs, hamburger helper, chef boyardee, bread, bread, bread. The food I will give you will have plenty of protein, vegetables, fruit, and grains. A lot of it made from scratch and organic, almost none of it with sugar, corn syrup, trans-fat, etcetera. When we go to other people's houses for dinner, you will eat one of everything. It is rude not to. You will not tell them their food tastes 'nasty'. You will not insist greens and salads are not food. For someone who was not fed regularly, and for the first month in foster care you wouldn't stop eating until you threw up because you didn't know when you were satiated, you have come a long way. But you need to know what is appropriate behavior for interacting with the rest of the world.

You will pick up after yourself. Clothes will be folded, toys put away, dishes taken to the sink. It's the least of what is expected of an able-bodied 8 year old.

You will take care of your hair on a regular basis. That means keeping it moisturized and brushed twice a day, or sit for the hours it takes to put it into braids every two weeks. No if ands or buts, this is part of who you are and is something you will have for the rest of your life. You need to learn to accept the way you are, and (gasp) maybe even learn to love your hair.

Temper tantrums arising from not wanting to any of the above things will result in groundings and not allowing you to do things you like.

Also, I will not let you relax your hair. Or let you wear high heels. Or those really creepy padded bras they make for 8 year olds now. Or put on makeup. I don't care that this would make you cool at school. You are a kid that deserves to enjoy being a kid.

So I promise you that while you live with me, that I will present as many opportunities to explore the things you have interest in. Right now that seems to be rocks and animals, and sometimes fashion. We will go to the Geology Museum as often as you like, you can bring home every neat looking rock you find on the ground, and we will go through the many books on rocks I now have as much as you like. You can memorize and get to know every pet in my neighborhood, and walk the dogs on a regular basis. The deal is when you walk a dog, you have to pick up the poop, too, you know. (Actually, how happily you do this still stuns the crap out of me. I'm so glad you don't fight that rule.) You will go for horseback rides regularly and learn as much about them as you like. You can be creative in the way you dress, or take cues from people we know on different styles and learn about what you like and what looks good on you. I will encourage that interest as long as it is an honest interest and not a desire to be a pretty object with a smile and playing down your own interests and personality.

I promise I will try to point out the black women that are pretty. I promise I will have as many examples of people of color in my life as I can. I just about cried the day you exclaimed to me, 'Why is it all the white girls are so pretty and the black girls aren't?' We went through the (few) black women in my life so you could remember that black women are pretty too.

I promise you will see a wide variety of healthy relationships and adults. People who are not addicts, who are smart, who have lots of interests, who do neat things. People who are in healthy relationships, who love each other and their kids and their friends and aren't ashamed to show it. I promise you will see strong women, and kind men. That you will have many examples of the possibilities of your life, and some idea that everything takes work and an idea of how to go about getting what you want. That the world doesn't work like you thought it did, and that you can grow up and do other things than your parents. That you can be more, do better.

I hope so much you learn these things while you stay with me. And will forgive my mistakes in how I am trying to parent you, and will understand this. Because you've had 8 years to learn how to be who you are, and I've had four weeks. I'm kind of winging it here.

But I guess all parents are.

The baby's growing up

2008-09-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

--You know the baby's growing up when...

...more food makes it into her mouth at mealtime than on the floor.

--You know there's still a ways to go when...

...the food looks more interesting to eat when it's on the floor.

Open letter to my 8 year old foster daughter, part 1

2008-09-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

I know that the past three weeks have had a lot of trying times between us. It will get better as we know each other more, and things stabilize. I know it must suck bigtime to finally get reunited with your mom after being in foster care for eight months, to live with your mom again and believe you were there to stay, with only a few more weeks before your brother and sister would join you for good, and then, and then, after 10 days home you are put back in foster care again. And a new foster mom on top of it all. Although it's nice not to see your pesky little brother all the time, I know you miss him. Then, with this new foster mom, whom you've spent some time with before, is really nice, and seems to let you do what you want. You have had a lot of fun together. And even though she's warned you several times that visits are different than living somewhere, and if you lived with her there would be rules and responsibilities, you continue to not believe her. So you live with her and find out that it's not all fun and games, there are expectations and rules, and you are pissed off all over again.

So I apologize. I apologize that your view of the world and the way it works just keeps getting rattled all around. I know it would have been a whole lot simpler for you if no one had interfered with your family and the world would not have seemed so complicated.

I apologize that for whatever reason, your mom let you do a lot of what you want. That missing an average of one day a week of school for the first two and half years was considered okay, normal. If you didn't feel like going, you didn't. I apologize that you never saw the adults in your life hold a steady job, or have an education, so school seems stupid and work pointless. I apologize that for whatever reason, being bounced around from school to school, apartment to apartment, and even being homeless for a while, although your mom never told you that is what was going on, made you believe that nothing is permanent, so no one has consistently been around to hold you accountable for bad behavior and not learning anything in school. I apologize you have lost a lot of things that were valuable to you, that you own nothing from more than the last couple of years, no baby clothes, no toys you used to play with, no pictures of you before you were six, because of too many evictions and unpaid storage units throwing all your stuff away. I apologize, that for whatever reason on your mom's part, whether ignorance or just generally checking out mentally, that she never taught you how to properly care for your hair. I apologize that because you are raised in poverty, you believe everyone else is rich and happy. I apologize that your father checked out of your life for a couple of years, and doesn't seem to come through on almost anything he says, so you don't believe a lot of adults. I apologize that you became a parent to your baby sister because you couldn't count on your mother to always remember to feed her and change her. I apologize that you had to watch the father of your brother and sister beat your mother regularly, beat your brother before he was three, and beat you too. I apologize for any other violence to other people you saw this man do. I apologize that this has caused you to believe that this is how men are. I apologize that jail time seems like a normal thing an adult will do. I apologize that the adults in your life are all addicts of some sort, and that this seems normal too.

But the thing is, no matter how hard it is for you now, I want you to see the world differently. You are very lucky that you and your siblings were never seriously hurt in the situations you were in. You are very lucky that the three of you weren't born with fetal alcohol disorders, or addicted to anything else your mom was doing. You are lucky that none of you have serious allergies, poor health, or even mild delays. You are all regular children from a messed up environment, and hopefully, no matter what happens, the environment you will finish growing up in will be healthy. Because it's the least that all children deserve.

2008-09-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

My stay-at-home momdom ended briefly this week. I went to work for a guy I knew building a fence Monday and Tuesday. He was easy to work with as a coworker when we were building the student apartments, but he was hard to work for as a boss. He just wanted us to hurry up and build it. The other guy and I both said yesterday that we had stuff to do the rest of the week, so I don't know who he has helping him finish the project, but it was becoming a mess by the time I left. Truthfully, it should have been done by the end of Tuesday with three people, but I think he gets too impatient and smokes too much pot. On the way home Tuesday, he said he thinks the mistake he made was not surveying the site beforehand and staking out where he wanted the fence posts to go. No kidding. We told him that Monday. Everyone else I know marks out a site before putting up a building, they don't just wing it.

At least I got paid, I guess.

******************************************************

D.S. came with me this afternoon for my doctor's appointment. While we waited we looked through a magazine. There was an ad with a picture of a fuschia-dyed toolbelt, and instead of hand tools in the pouches, there were makeup related tools: blush brushes, eyelash crimper, etcetera. So D.S. looks at the toolbelt and says to me, "So if I had this job, and I didn't work, someone would ask me, 'Why aren't you working?' and I would tell them, 'I'm waiting for them to call.' And then when they called I would be like, 'Hurry up kids, you got to go to day care! Come on!' And I would be in a big rush and then I would go to work."

That cracked me up, but she didn't know why it was so funny.

Uh-oh...

2008-09-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

Someone forgot to tell me that if you ground a child, you are grounded too...

Oops!

K.R.'s first birthday

2008-09-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from K.R.'s first birthday. I know it was a month ago, but they are too cute not to share.

Here we are gearing up for her to eat the cupcake:

And after the first taste of the frosting (which happened faster than we could get on camera):

Now the second taste:

Um, I think she likes it:

She's thinking, "This is mine! I'm not sharing!"

And a (somewhat) clean afterwards:

Thanks to Kate for taking pictures!

Days of granola crunchiness abound...

2008-09-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

I began my first day as a stay-at-home mom today. I never thought I would be doing this in my life.

But I never thought I would be a construction worker either.

So, through events beyond my control (getting laid off in a very slowed-down industry, and the county doesn't pay for child care when a person is on unemployment), I have my foster kids during the day. They are both girls, half-sisters. The 13 month old I've had for eight months, love her to pieces, and the 8 year old I just got three weeks ago. I see her before and after school.

It was a beautiful day, cloudless and in the seventies. I made scones in the morning and gave most away to my neighbors. I took K.R. (the 13 month old) to the sandbox and she joyfully threw sand around. I played with her and danced with her as I began to allow myself to dream of watching her grow up. To see her begin to talk, to finally have an idea what this kid has been thinking all this time. To see what she is drawn to doing, if she is going to be outgoing and talkative like her sister, or athletic like her brother, or other things entirely. To take her camping, traveling, to teach her gardening and how to use a hammer, to watch her take dance class or soccer or whatever she likes, to see if she will like math or science or English.

Because I found out a couple of days ago that things aren't going so well for the mother. For the first time since I got her, Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and adoption are being uttered. Tentatively, but still. And yet, and yet...

I came to really like her mom. She is so nice, personable, willing to do so many things for her kids. They love her so much, are so attached to her. She is so gentle, calm, patient. There is so much love there. As K.R.'s return date to her mom got closer, I feared her mom hadn't straightened out combined with the hope maybe she had. Maybe the rehab, the counseling, the help of the social workers, maybe it all worked. There are success stories in this, people do get themselves out of horrible lifestyles and piece together a viable life for their kids. And I was reconciling myself to this, and hoping that is what was happening. And feeling glad for the kids, while not thinking about my upcoming loss.

And never allowing myself to see myself raising this child. Those dreams would hurt too much.

But, things changed. They are always changing in this process. One step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, one back, two forward, five back....and all you know is that you won't know, and it just goes on and on...

I told a friend today that I really never got very good at dealing with the realities of foster care. Everything changes constantly, your emotions tensed up, waiting for whiplash. She told me maybe that's why I'm experiencing this, so I can learn to enjoy the now and take the unpredictability in stride.

I said I think it's to avoid deluding myself of this fact in the future: I can never be a Buddhist.